dr rebel: when people are not open to what i have to say, i get super frustrated and become cynical. how can i manage my emotions better?
becoming cynical works counterproductive; people don’t like negativity, so the more sarcastic you get, the more they’ll avoid you. i know, i have been there, and i had to learn the hard way.
holding everything in builds up frustration and tension, so it’s better to let it all out. however, managing your emotions, especially during an argument, is not easy. it is tempting to respond instantly and say things you’ll regret later. most of the time that worsens the situation rather than resolves anything.
so, keeping your emotions in control during a heated discussion is challenging but crucial for staying constructive and preserving good professional relationships. here are the four tactics i use quite often:
1/ pause and breathe
taking a mental break while you are in the middle of the heat is very effective but easier said than done. think of something or someone who makes you calm, and take a few deep breaths before responding. this slows your heart rate and activates the body’s calming response. if this is not calming you down, pause the conversation by saying, “let’s take a few minutes to gather our thoughts and continue shortly.” this gives you a chance to reset emotionally and collect your thoughts.
2/ don’t make it personal and reframe negative thoughts
negative thoughts won’t help you to calm down. instead, they probably make the situation even worse. notice any negative thoughts that increase your stress, such as “this person doesn’t respect my work” or “this will ruin our project.” challenge these assumptions by considering other possibilities. perhaps the person is under pressure or simply has a different perspective. a reframed thought, like, “we both care about the outcome and have valid concerns,” can help reduce the emotional charge.
3/ get better at sharing your ideas or thoughts
the way you share your thoughts and ideas may not be effective and even scare people away. people might find you a know-it-all or a troublemaker. the best way to share an opposing viewpoint is to start by acknowledging the other person’s perspective to show respect and understanding. then, present your view or idea calmly. don’t rush it and see questions as a sign of curiosity rather than critique. find areas of common ground and emphasize these to show you are collaborative even though you come up with a different viewpoint. when you do this, you will not end up in heated discussions anymore.
4/ WTF happened? reflect & learn
after the argument, reflect on and learn from the situation. why did you get so upset about it? what triggered your emotions, and how did you handle them? think about what strategies worked and where you need to improve for next time.
do you have a burning question for dr rebel?